I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
