you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
