I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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