I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
