also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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