I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
