when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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