Whatcha textin bout Willis?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize
