think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
