dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
