I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
