It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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