There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
