So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize