You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize