Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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