My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
