Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
