if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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