she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Can Purell be used as lube?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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