why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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