I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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