I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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