I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
