We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
