I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
