I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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