the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
