Jerry, you need to find god
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
