we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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