the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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