The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
