i may or may not be watching the land before time
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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