I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
