I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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