stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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