1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
