the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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