i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
