Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
