everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
