I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We need to rekindle our bromance
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
