i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize