omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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