Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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