I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
