Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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