i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
