The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
