Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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