There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
