Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
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