No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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