dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
