You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
