I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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