the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just sucked dick on a ferry
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
