Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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