hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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