I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
