wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
