I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
