is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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