Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
