just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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