How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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